There’s a warm body pressed against my back. My legs are tangled with other legs. Opening my eyes, I see I’m back in my suite at the Radisson. I turn around in the bed. Mickey’s lying next to me. He’s naked on top. I peek under the covers. He’s wearing pants. I lift up my nightdress. I’m wearing knickers. I’m hoping we didn’t have sex.
While Mickey snores, I insert a finger inside my vagina. I bring it up to my nose and check it for scent. We haven’t had sex. What a relief. I am more attracted to him than any man I can remember. I would love to be able to have sex with him. But I’m not capable of normal sex – unpaid sex. It leaves me feeling cold, empty and used.
I lean towards the bedside table. I pick up my packet of cigarettes, pull one out and light it. Although I’d love to spend time with Mickey, I need to get rid of him. He’s a few days off heroin and I need to get some and use it. I can’t remember if I took Stix’s phone number yesterday. I can’t remember travelling back here. The last thing I recall is being in Stix’s lounge, drinking beer and getting stoned. I must’ve blacked out from the booze again.
Stretching my arm over the side of the bed, I pick up my hobo bag from the floor. I hope I’ve got Stix’s number. If not, I can always ask Mickey. That’d be a last resort though. I’m pretty sure he’ll try to stop me scoring.
The number isn’t in my bag. I don’t have Lorna’s number either. She usually just turns up here. She might not appear again since we kind of fell out the other night. The thought of having no connections panics me – not that I want to carry on taking heroin for however much longer I stay here. I don’t. I just need it today. I’ve got the sweats and the aching joints. I’ve been through cold turkey before. I can do it again. But not today.
I stub my cigarette in the ashtray, tumble out of bed then stagger to the bathroom. I still feel slightly drunk. I take a shower, hoping it will sober me up. When I’m done, I apply my make up, hiding a multitude of spots with concealer.
“Good morning, beautiful,” Mickey says as I walk back into the suite. He’s still lying in bed.
I remind myself that just because he calls me beautiful, it doesn’t mean he thinks I am. I let go of the towel I’m wrapped in and step into my white, Armani dress. I wonder how I’m going to get rid of him. If only I had some heroin here, I could take a hit and spend the day with him. I’d love to spend the day with him. He’s a good man. He slept in a bed with me and didn’t fuck me. He’s not like most men.
“What do we do here for breakfast?” He swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up.
I look out the window and away from his toned, nearly naked body. “I don’t need food. I need a hit.” I didn’t mean to say that.
“Have you got any junk here?”
“No,” I reply. “I don’t know if I can get any. Lorna and me sort of had a row at the party.”
“Over me?” He grins, pulling on his jeans.
“Surprisingly not. She scored for me then used it all.” I omit to tell him that I had a hit without her. That was why she did it.
“I told you to watch her. She’s always after something that girl.” He slips his white t-shirt over his head. “I can get you junk. You got money?”
“Yes… Thanks.” I’m shocked he’s offered. He told me the other night that he’d stopped. I’m not going to question it. I don’t want to put him off. I step into my fuchsia high-heels and we leave the suite.
Walking towards to Mickey’s large, white van, I have a recollection of being in it last night. The seats are high up. I remember struggling to get inside. He had to give me a push. I dread to think what we were talking about on the journey. I hope I was too out of it to speak. I’m realising I’m too open when I’m drunk, like the other night when I told Stix I was a hooker. I’m still concerned Mickey knows that about me. If Stix didn’t tell him, maybe I told him myself.
As we drive away, I see Lorna crossing the road from the seafront to the Radisson Hotel. I duck. I don’t want her to see me with Mickey. She’s told me to stay away from him. I’ll spend my time with whoever I want though. I won’t be told what to do.