drugs

Ingrained Behaviour – 21 December 2000 – 5.25PM

Soul Destruction - Diary of a London Call Girl

I’m late when I walk downstairs to the hotel lobby. It took me longer to get ready than I anticipated. I’m a regular latecomer. All the time now. I never used to be. I was famously punctual before heroin. Not that I’ve had a sneaky fix today. Of course, I haven’t. I haven’t seen Lorna yet. Heroin has somehow changed who I am.

I look around the lobby. Lorna’s not here. I check the sofas around the corner. She’s not there either. I look outside the hotel. She’s not anywhere. By the clock in reception, it’s nearly five-thirty. I’m more than slightly late. But if she was here earlier, then surely she’d have come to my room. She knows the number. It was only last night she spent the night.

I walk outside. The air isn’t much cooler than it was earlier in the day. That’s Australia in December. I light a cigarette. I have to do something. I could do with a drink as well. Perhaps I’ll go to the bar. No, I’d better wait. If I want a hit, I have to wait. I don’t know anyone else who can get smack over here. Mickey looked like he would know, but Mickey never came back for me.

On the other side of the road, people are leaving the beach. I’m watching them when suddenly my vision is blocked. Hands are covering my eyes.

“Guess who,” a male voice says.

Who the hell is it? I rip the hands from my face and turn around. “Hello love! What are you doing here?”

“I’m here on business.” Greg straightens the collar of his white shirt. “Are you?”

“No. I’m purely here for pleasure.” I fake a smile.

“I’ll buy you drink. Come to the bar.”

“I’ll have to decline. I’m meeting a friend now. Another time though. How long are you here for?”

“I’m flying back on the twenty-third. I wanted to see in the New Year here but the battle-axe wouldn’t permit it.”

“You are naughty.” I give him a wink. “Do you want to see me properly? I’ll be free tomorrow night.”

“Eight o’clock, meet here. Dinner, dancing, then some rampant lovemaking. How does that sound, sexy?” Greg turns on the spot. He’s a wanker, but he pays well.

“Sounds perfect. I’m looking forward to it.” I have to do it. I don’t need the money. I have enough money to last for years, but I have to work when I can. I can’t not.

Greg dances his way up the street. I am good. He knows it. But what he doesn’t know is why. I’m good because I see through him, through all of them. I can tell what they want to hear and I say it. I can tell what they want me to do so I do it. It’s instinctive in me. No surprises how I picked up that skill and learnt the behaviour. Another present from my past.

Lorna walks towards me. Together we must look like a pair of defective Barbie dolls. The blonde hair is there but it’s lank. We have the blue eyes but they’re empty. We both have blemishes covering our faces. I have abscess scars on my arms. She has track marks on hers. The only thing that’s right is our height, our slim figures and our large breasts.

Lorna kisses my lips. “Sorry I’m late.”

“I was late too, but you’re something else.” I grin. She looks cute, particularly after bumping into Greg.

“How much do you want?”

“Same as last night, please.”

“We’ll need to go to Parramatta. My man in the Cross isn’t holding.” She takes my hand and walks me down the street.

“How do we get there?” I ask.

She waves a set of keys. “I’m driving.”

She wraps her arm around my waist and gives me a squeeze. I foresee a repeat of last night.

In Two Minds – 21 December 2000 – 3.00PM

Soul Destruction - Diary of a London Call Girl

I remember Angel telling Shelley that some people can only stop using gear when the pain of their using gets worse than the pain they’re running from. I can’t see how that’s going to happen for me. I can’t imagine worse happening than what I want to forget. And if it did, I’d rather be dead.

At Manly Beach, I’m sitting on the sand, close to the sea. There’s a greyhound racing across the shoreline. He’s barking loudly. His noise is increasing the level of pain in my head. I’ve got two more hours before I meet Lorna at five o’clock back at the Radisson. Part of me is thrilled at the thought of shooting up again tonight. Another part is dreading it – I’m worried I’ll have a flashback like I did last night when we had sex. A third part is hoping she won’t turn up at all. Then I won’t end up with a habit.

A young man, who looks like a typical Australian surfer type, walks towards me. “We’ve been sitting on that bench there, perving over you.” He points to a bench on the promenade. Some young men, with goatees and dressed in similar Billabong-type attire, wave at me.

“What do you want me to do about it?” I smile. He’s quite cute. Maybe he could even have me for free.

“I might need to think about that over a beer or two.”

“Well, you go and do that, and be sure to come back and let me know what’s required.”

“I’m Mickey. What’s your name?”

“Nicole,” I say, with a wink. “I’ll see you later, Mickey.”

“Catch you around,” he says, taking a couple of steps backwards.

I watch as he heads back to his friends on the bench. He half turns, looking back at me. I notice he’s giving them a thumbs up. He’s a bit overconfident. But he had a beautiful face. Actually, that’s not totally true. He had beautiful eyes. His face was unusual: sharp jaw line, thin lips, strong cheekbones, thick eyebrows. His face told me a story. There was something to him, more than his flirting. It’s strange how I can read people. I think he’s one of us.

I apply more oil to my body then light a cigarette. I’m careful not to get the oil on the cigarette as it spoils the smoke. Suddenly, I feel Lorna’s mouth on my vagina. Not her actual mouth but the sensation of it. I stub my cigarette into the sand and run to the sea.

I lie on my back with my arms outstretched and float. With the smallest of movements, I don’t need a lilo like the other people floating around me. A lilo would tie me down. It would mean I’d need to carry it. I like to be able to be spontaneous. Do what I want, whenever and wherever I decide to do it. I like to be free. That’s why heroin doesn’t suit my personality. I saw what it did to Shelley. I never wanted that for myself.

When I get back to my towel on the sand, I check my watch. I’ve another half hour to sunbathe before I need to start making my way back to the Radisson. Thinking of the heroin I’m assuming Lorna is bringing, my heart races. I do want her to come. I do want to see her. She’s a nice girl. I can tell her I just want to be friends. I can say I think I’m straight. I can tell a lie. It would be better than the truth in this instance – I’m sure.

I stand to leave. I look around for Mickey. Resident Over-Confidence might have lost his confidence. On second thoughts, perhaps he changed his mind. Seeing me close up – the blemishes on my face and the scars from the recent abscesses I’ve had on my arms – may have turned him off. He was probably embarrassed walking back to his friends. He was probably doing the thumbs up for my benefit, to make me feel better. What a fool.

The Good Night (Part 1 of 3) – 21 December 2000 – 12.55AM

Soul Destruction - Diary of a London Call Girl

After the midnight walk-bus-walk-ferry-walk journey from Kings Cross to the Radisson Hotel in Manly, I’m shattered. Lorna’s lying on her stomach, stretched out over the queen-sized bed in my deluxe suite. From her white handbag, she gets out a bag of syringes. “Have you got a spoon?” she asks.

“Yes,” I say, rummaging for the dessert spoon in the bottom of my hobo bag. I picked that up from Shelley – carrying a spoon on me at all times.

“Water,” she says.

In the bathroom, I fill a glass with water. Back in the suite, I put the glass on the bedside table next to her.

“How long are you here for?” she asks.

“I haven’t decided yet.” I perch on the side of the bed. I take one of Lorna’s works and remove the orange cap. I dip the needle into the water and pull back on the plunger to fill it.

“I’ll hang out with you while you’re in town.” Lorna sprinkles the white powder into the spoon I’m holding. I’d heard the heroin in Australia was white. It’s meant to be a lot more potent than the brown I’m used to in London.

“It’ll be fun. I’ll show you the sights. Do you surf? I can take you surfing in Curly.”

I’m trembling as I release the water into the spoon. “No…I don’t.”

Do I even want to hang out with her? Sure, we can party tonight. I want the company. But I don’t want to get back into the life of smack. I don’t know how I’m going to manage without it, but the whole point in coming to Sydney was to get away from it. If only I hadn’t drunk earlier, I might have had more resolve not to use heroin. This is a one-off, I repeat in my head. I’m trying to convince myself.

Using the orange cap end of a syringe, Lorna stirs the mixture in the spoon. She takes off the cap and draws up the liquid into the barrel. She passes the syringe to me. While she’s filling her own works, I look for a good vein on my arm. They’re not too bad at the moment. The abscesses don’t look good, but there are still plenty of veins.

It’s amazing how quickly heroin can take you down. I’ve only been on it the last year. I remember Shelley telling me how it was worse for her because she was making so much money. The more you can afford, the more you use. Well, that’s how it was for her, and definitely how it is for me. I also think that what we’re running from, what we’re trying to erase from our mind, plays a part in that too.